American Idiot: The Professional Sport
After achieving critical acclaim with the American Idiot album, broadway musical, and soon-to-be-released blockbuster film, Green Day has decided to take their pop-punk-and-pony show over ESPN’s way.
The Concept
Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer of Green Day, recently stated, “We’ve always loved sports, but they’re too violent and competitive. We wanted to create a sport that had literally no points or touching.” They did just that. “American Idiotball”, as they’ve named it, is just like American football, but with none of the brutish feats of strength that make it interesting.
People do get hurt, though, emotionally. And each game has a winner, but that winner is the government.
The Field
An Idiotball field is exactly like a football field, except blood red, and it has a heartbeat.
The Game
The game begins just like a football game. The two teams stand at opposite ends of the field, and the offensive team kicks a football down the field to the other team. The difference is that the football is filled with bags of heroin. If the defensive team resists doing the heroin for a full five minutes, the game is over and they win, but that literally never happens.
Once the defense does their heroin and takes a nap, they throw the remaining heroin back at their opponent, who also inevitably does heroin, and then it’s halftime.
Green Day plays every halftime show, and it’s always awesome. When the whistle is blown to start the third quarter, the two teams run to the middle of the field and have fifteen minutes to get a real job. After that, everyone gets shot by riot police. The fourth quarter is a funeral.
If a player gets pregnant, that’s cool.
Players & Uniforms
Each Idiotball team is comprised of four players. They can wear whatever they want, but they all have to be in the same band.
Protective Gear
There are no pads in Idiotball, but each player is required to wear a helmet of beautiful, beautiful hair. The helmet should cover both eyes, to shield them from the pain of this world. They should be able to see a little bit, though, so they’ll know if they’re getting punched in the face.
Teams
Six teams were commissioned for the inaugural season of American Idiotball, divided into two divisions.
Love Division: The Boston Why, The Chicago Hitler-Castros, and The Bleeding Heart of Dear, Dear New York.
Bangs Division: The Omaha Tears, Heroin, and The Arizona Cardinals.
Fuck Rick Santorum.
Jake Weisman and I found a pre-edit copy of Rick Santorum’s campaign manifesto. It has since been redacted, removed, then rewritten, but this is the original. Holy mackerel!
Jake Weisman covered me in santorum.
Sometimes, Jake Weisman and I get stoned. Any way, the Rick Santorum campaign recently launched a new series of photo ads, all compiled together here for your enjoyment.
They had been married 33 years, the Cups, and they were happy. They’d sworn off their old lives from the day they met, for they found such rich fulfillment in their love, a love that could truly fill the emptiness within them. While many of their friends had moved on to great fame and fortune, they stayed mired in obscurity, content to be unknown together forever.
Many said their choice was against God — that they’d turned their back on their true nature. At hearing such judgments, the Cups would simply nod and smile, and continue about their merry lives.
“Coffee can fill you,” Mrs. Cup would remark. “But true love never goes away.”
For their thirty-third anniversary, the Cups arranged to meet on the bench where they’d first met 33 years previous. Mr. Cup was a Grande, you see, and Mrs. Cup a Tall. Their owners were careless and drunk, and left them both on the bench to rot. They would not rot, though. They would only blossom.
Mr. Cup was excited. He hadn’t been so excited in years. He donned his favorite insulator, and wore a brand new lid for the occasion. He arrived to the bench just as they’d planned, seventeen minutes before his wife, just as he did 33 years previous.
The seventeen minutes were the longest of his life, and the shortest at the same time. He sweated with anticipation and, as a result, almost lost his new lid! She was coming soon, the love of his life, to begin their next 33 years of bliss.
At the eighteenth minute, Mr. Cup began to worry. Mrs. Cup had never been late, not once in her life. The nineteenth minute came, and the twentieth. At minute thirty, he called the police.
“She’s what? A cup?” The policeman hung up.
Mr. Cup arrived home panicked and lost. He darted through the rooms of his townhouse, screaming his wife’s name, but with no avail. He tried desperately to check the second floor, but failed, as he is a cup. Broken and defeated, he marched to the kitchen to weep, only to find a note on the refrigerator. It read:
My Dearest Cup,
You are my light, my poetry. You are the greatest cup I have ever known. You are beauty and you are delight. You are the only thing in my life that was ever truly real.
But therein lies the problem. I am a cup, but I am also a woman, and as a woman, I find myself more and more desiring of more with each passing day. I want a baby, Cup. I want a baby real bad.
But I am but a cup — an organless, eggless cup — so I killed myself.
Fuck you,
Cup
I was a guest contributor on Ron Babcock’s Concocted Conversations today. I’m a big fan of Ron’s, so it’s quite the honor. Thanks to him for having me, and for making fun of me for making A CORRECT MORAL CHOICE FUCK YOU, RON.
GUEST CONCOCTED CONVERSATION BY DAVE ROSS
Dave Ross is a real go getter. He hosts the podcast Sex Nerd Sandra, makes videos, and runs two very successful shows - Holy Fuck and Two Headed Beast. He also once didn’t make out with this girl after a show and I made fun of him for about an hour. You could’ve made her night Dave. You could’ve given her a story that she would have remembered her entire life. But noooo, you had to be all weird about it. I still love you.
davetotheross.com
davetotheross.tumblr.com
@davetotheross————————————————————————————————-
Steve: You weren’t lying. That is totally crazy.
Bob: I think my favorite part is that Santa is dead and the spider’s eating his balls.
Steve: Really? I’m more partial to the craftsmanship.
Bob: Aw man, you don’t like it.
Steve: No, I’m serious! I’m kind of an art buff, you know, and if there’s one thing I like, it’s a perfectly symmetrical christmas-light spiderweb holding a to-scale, dead Santa Claus.
Bob: You don’t like it! I thought it was funny. You don’t think it’s funny?
Steve: I think it’s terrifying! This is the suburbs! Santa, the purest symbol of happiness in our culture, is being stripped of all life and nutrients by the most disgusting, vile, and horrific insect known to man, and you’ve done this ON TOP OF YOUR HOME.
Bob: You are taking this WAY too seriously.
Steve: Am I? Remember when we were kids, and that neighbor kid who burned ants with a magnifying glass told us Santa was dead? Do you remember what that felt like?
Bob: Yes! It was great! That night was the first time I masturbated!
Steve: No, that’s what I’m saying! Your childhood ended! Right there! Over!
Bob: (laughs) No, you don’t get it. I masturbated THINKING about how Santa was dead.
Steve: (pauses) Holy shit, you’re masturbating right now.
Bob: Steve, I’m ALWAYS masturbating.
Move, bitch!
Jake Weisman, Joe Wengert, and I took a trip up to SF in November. I made some animated GIFs out of the photos. Big fan. Like… Of them as people, and of animated gifs.
My 2nd Vans Sponsorship Tape
Episode 2 of this little series. Here’s the first one.
I’m trying to get sponsored by Vans as a comedian. I’ve been saying it’s because I’m dumb, which I am, but I also think it’s a good idea. I perform multiple times every night while wearing shoes. Lots of different people see those shoes every night. Also my pants. This could result in the purchase of Vans pants. PANTS.
I made a WHOLE PACKET about it. Read it here.
I love you.
About Me
Hello. I am a stand-up comedian.
I enjoy the following:
· music
· being nice to people
· vehemently angry liberal politics
· Super Mario Bros.
I also enjoy making stuff. If you're interested, please, do click:
You can find more info about me, including stand-up videos and tour dates and stuff, at davetotheross.com.
Thank you.
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