Here’s his real site: chrisgarciacomedy.com
And here’s his NEW site: racistcomedian.com
I just guested on my friend Curt Neill’s Untitled Screenplays! If you don’t know Curt or his dumb blog, you will not be disappointed. (It’s good dumb. Like GREAT dumb. Not bad dumb. Like it’s smart but dumb. You get it.)
My story is about my butt.
Guest Submission #24!
This week’s guest submission comes to us from wonderful comedian and friend to all, Dave Ross! It’s about a butt. And I like that.
(If you’d like to submit an Untitled Screenplay of your own, just email it to firstname.lastname@example.org)
But! I like to have fun.
I am one of the people that was chosen to be the greatest of all time forever!!!!!!!!!
Hello friends. Thank you for your attention. What I am about to tell you, I am not proud of, but I cannot keep it to myself any longer. The weight of this terrible truth has driven me to madness and deep depression, and it has left me questioning my strength of character. I am but a shell of what I once was; where there was once a strong-willed, self-confident man is but a broken, slovenly boy.
I am the victim of an elaborate web of deceit, abuse, and manipulation, all orchestrated by none other than Megan Koester.
As a loyal fan of mine, you most certainly saw my post on Mark Zuckerberg’s “Facebook” website about the rebirth of my dear, dear comedy show, Holy Fuck.
This announcement was a fallacy. It was a ruse, a prank, a lie. It was done with the purpose of tricking my beloved fans into believing I had re-animated Holy Fuck, and then, once it became to clear to them the show was not to return, into feeling scorned and abused by my dear business partner, Jeff Wattenhofer, and me. It was done to turn my beloved fans against me.
And it was done by Megan Koester.
I swear to you, on my parents’ eventual graves, that she did this and not me.
This demon I speak of, Megan Koester, obtained access to my personal account on “Facebook” from my dear son, Daniel, who divulged my secret word of passage only after days of arduous torture. She tied him to a chair, whipped him, beat him, deprived him of water, and told him he was ugly. Only when she attacked his appearance did he break, as we all would, and spill the proverbial beans. (The beans of his soul.)
I do not blame you, Daniel. I blame only the devil Koester.
But alas! I have proof!
It is true, my beloved fans. For all her evil, the succubus Koester is also immersed in ego, and could never stop herself from leaving a calling card.
Please examine below, beloved fans, the evidence I have uncovered using computer screen closeness technology.
Before finding this evidence, I was able to save some amount of my reputation with another lie. I wrote onto “Facebook” that the original posting was meant as but a “joke on Jeff Wattenhofer”. (As if it were ever funny to make light of a friend’s stress.) Upon writing this desperate grasp at self-respect, the true abuse began. My phone exploded with hateful text-only correspondence. My mailbox overflowed with threats to my death. My wife was murdered, my crops burned, and my house yelled at. She is relentless, and will not stop until my life as it is has no purpose.
I also now know this: Megan Koester was the demise of Holy Fuck. She twisted words and spread lies betwixt companions until naught but a shred of desire to maintain the event was left. For months (before my discovery of this evidence) Jeff Wattenhofer and I were at odds, believing each other to be the blame for our dear weekly comedy show’s departure. We are friends yet again, beloved fans, but just barely.
Protect me, beloved fans. Call the authorities. I have quarantined myself in an undisclosed basement, with access only to water, food, and tumblr. Nothing comes in, and nothing goes out, for I fear the slightest notion of my whereabouts would unleash the psychopath Koester upon me full force.
Help me, beloved fans. Help me.
And please believe: I would never hurt you.