HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH AN ANIMAL
Tips and tricks for having sex with an animal
Pay attention. You’re about to have sex with an animal.
The first thing you have to do is move to Russia. It is legal to have sex with animals in Russia.
The next and possibly most important step is choosing the animal. You’re looking for an animal that wants to have sex with you. You could hypothetically force sex upon an animal, but that would be rape, and you should never rape animals.
Ask yourself, “What kind of animal do I like?” Is it a cheetah? Is it a mongoose? Once you know the answer to that question, you’re minutes away from sex with an animal. With any luck, the animal you want can be purchased in a store, but don’t get discouraged if you want to have sex with a wild animal, and don’t settle either. Most wild animals react fondly to unsolicited approaches from people. Perfume or lingerie can help ease the tension, but really, you shouldn’t have a problem if you just walk into the animal’s habitat and try to have sex with it. Decide which type of animal you’d like to have sex with, find out where that animal lives, drive there, find the most attractive one, and have sex with it.
Don’t be impractical, though. Some animals can be very aggressive. A panther, for example, will probably kill you if you try to have sex with it. The same goes for an elephant. And a wolverine.
And make sure that the size of your privates matches the size of the animal’s privates. Some pairings just won’t work. A fruit bat, for example — your penis will probably not fit into a fruit bat’s vagina. Granted, your first animal of choice might be a fruit bat, but it would literally be impossible to have sex with a fruit bat, so you should probably choose a different animal.
Once you’ve found your animal, have sex with it. It is very similar to sex with a person, just with an animal. If you’re unfamiliar with the act of sex, we recommend practicing on a person before moving on to an animal. (Make sure to choose a consenting person, for reasons similar to why you should choose a consenting animal.) Our bodies are designed to have sex with people, not animals, so it’s best to learn the basics before moving on to more interesting things to have sex with. Animals have a lot of sex, so they’re not going to have sex with you again if you don’t know what you’re doing.
And have fun with it! Animals don’t get to have sex with people very often, so chances are your animal will really want to go for it. Make sure you’re not overstepping any of the animal’s boundaries, but don’t be afraid to try new things. Remember: it’s an animal.
Congratulations! You’ve had sex with your first animal. Now, keep going! Animals love sex. Any time you find an animal, it’s probably okay to have sex with it.
We hope this tutorial has been helpful. Check back soon for our next article, “How to Have Sex With a Box of Money”.
I wrote a piece for the show Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction recently, and performed it at the show in New Orleans. If you haven’t checked out the show, do yourself a favor and go. It’s every month right now in Los Angeles, and tours occasionally through other cities.
The topic I chose for this one was Calvin & Hobbes, my absolute favorite comic strip of all time. Probably a lot of my comedy is influenced by Bill Watterson. This shit gets gross.
He crept slowly up the stairs. He didn’t want to wake his wife. Not yet, any way. He was so excited – home really early from work, and Calvin still at school. This NEVER happens.
At the top of the stairs, he approached the bedroom quietly. He pulled gently down on the handle until the door drifted open silently on its own. He tiptoed to the bed and slid under the covers.
“Mmmmm…” His wife mumbled. “Is that you? What time is it?”
He pulled his body up to hers and wrapped his arms around her, spooning her from behind.
“Wait, what’s going on?” She asked. “Seriously, why are you home? Did Calvin kill someone? Did— Oh.”
He reached down and cupped her right butt cheek with his hand, kissing her neck delicately as he did so. He caressed her skin with the tips of his fingers, drawing circles and figure-8s on her thigh and knee, and pulled just slightly at the hair on the back of her neck. She gasped in ecstasy, arching her back and pushing backward into his rock hard cock. He kissed her shoulder, and bit her ear the tiniest bit, and whispered, “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.”
Careening toward the surface of the planet Plootarg, it is our hero! Spaceman Spiff! The oppressive reign of the disgusting Cave Zorches was about to come to an end, as our intrepid hero landed his ship outside the principal Zorch Hive.
He knew he must approach with caution. The Zorches are stupid, but very large and fascist. He ran full-speed over cave dust and molten rock to the hive opening, but got down on his hands and knees to crawl into the cavern. It was massive. A vaulted, stone cathedral. Two Zorches were inside. It sounded like they were eating.
Equipped with a bucket of poisonous Conk sludge, Spaceman Spiff tiptoed toward the Zorches. They laid atop a stone mesa hundreds of feet tall, chewing and gargling and gnawing and moaning. They were disgusting. But wait… As he got closer, it seemed that something wasn’t right. They were… angry. They were eating, that’s for sure. But it seemed like they were eating each other.
Calvin stood at the edge of the bed, holding a bucket of snow, watching his parents fuck. He did not know what they were doing.
“YOU LIKE THAT?! YOU LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING SLUT?!” Calvin’s father screamed as he plunged his throbbing member deep into his wife’s ass over and over again, ripping at her hair with his left hand. His right hand curved up from her chin into her mouth, pressing down on her tongue and dancing with her gag reflex as sweat and spit dripped on her back. He punched her in the back, then in the back of the head. Then in the back, then in the head again. She gurgled and moaned and yelped in pleasure.
Spaceman Spiff was astounded! One of the Zorches was in trouble! Could it be? Could it be that they’re not all evil? Could it be that a race of benevolent Zorches existed on this planet, but as slaves to a malicious and violent Zorch patriarch? This oppressor had to be vanquished! Spaceman Spiff to the rescue!
Our fearless hero engaged his rocket pack and shot upward toward the monstrous aliens. Reaching almost light speed, he crashed full-force into the evil Zorch’s 20-foot-tall torso, knocking him out of the other Zorch and backwards off the mesa. It writhed and screeched in pain, and landed flat on its back, exposing a long spear protruding from its waist. THIS was the spear of Zook! He’d heard tell of its legend at space-bars across the galaxy. To kill the Zorch king, you must first destroy the spear!
Spiff dove off the mesa and crashed into the Zorch’s chest. He kicked the spear once, twice, three times directly on the tip, and then drowned it in the vile, burning acid of the Conk sludge. It hissed and smoked and withered as the Zorch howled in pain. It howled louder, and louder, and louder before wheezing out a last breath of life and turning to stone. Our hero, exhausted, looked up at the mesa to see the other Zorch, finally free of the shackles of tyranny, yell out at him, her savior, in thanks:
Calvin looked up at his mom, who was naked on all fours on the bed, and then down at his dad, whose dick was covered in snow, and realized not only that his dad was passed out from shock, but that his mom was mad at him. He couldn’t believe it.
“He was hurting you!” He said.
His mom was incredibly touched. But she was still beet red in the face, and heaving from the commotion, and pacing around the room naked, and had no idea what to say. “No, I… He was… Calvin… I liked it.”
“You what?!” Calvin yelled. “Well don’t get mad at me! You gotta tell me if you’re a masochist!”
“Calvin, I…” Calvin’s mom couldn’t deal with it. “Please just go to your room. I’ll explain later. I promise.”
“No need to explain!” Calvin was up in arms. “You want me to hit you? Can I stay if I hit you? Would that validate your existence as a tyrannical, hate-mongering, jobless parent? Why do you do it, mom? Is it to add some balance to a world where you’re inflicting the pain upon others all the time? Or is it to punish yourself for your staunch position against kids having fun?”
Calvin was sent to his room, where he found Hobbes jerking off to pictures of Suzy.
Thirty-one LA comedians contributed chapters to this book, including me. Almost everyone else who wrote a chapter is a good friend of mine, and literally all of them are INCREDIBLE comics. All proceeds benefit KidSave International, and it’s only $10. I’d say buy it.
The kicker is that this was a true exquisite corpse project, so we could only see the last paragraph of the chapter before when we wrote our chapter. It’s a real looking glass into how all the writers’ brains work. Big fan.
Buy a hard copy here:Exquisite Corpse on CreateSpace
Get the Kindle version here: Exquisite Corpse for Kindle on Amazon
And get the PDF here: Exquisite Corpse on BrockWilbur.com
The Romney campaign, in an effort to better humanize Romey’s Vice-Presidential nominee, Paul Ryan, has launched a new ad campaign of fireside-chat-esque quotes from the Congressman. Turns out, he’s a really down-to-earth guy! I know I’d have a beer with him!