Tips and tricks for having sex with an animal

Pay attention.  You’re about to have sex with an animal.

The first thing you have to do is move to Russia.  It is legal to have sex with animals in Russia.

The next and possibly most important step is choosing the animal. You’re looking for an animal that wants to have sex with you.  You could hypothetically force sex upon an animal, but that would be rape, and you should never rape animals.

Ask yourself, “What kind of animal do I like?”  Is it a cheetah?  Is it a mongoose?  Once you know the answer to that question, you’re minutes away from sex with an animal.  With any luck, the animal you want can be purchased in a store, but don’t get discouraged if you want to have sex with a wild animal, and don’t settle either.  Most wild animals react fondly to unsolicited approaches from people.  Perfume or lingerie can help ease the tension, but really, you shouldn’t have a problem if you just walk into the animal’s habitat and try to have sex with it.  Decide which type of animal you’d like to have sex with, find out where that animal lives, drive there, find the most attractive one, and have sex with it.

Don’t be impractical, though.  Some animals can be very aggressive.  A panther, for example, will probably kill you if you try to have sex with it.  The same goes for an elephant.  And a wolverine.

And make sure that the size of your privates matches the size of the animal’s privates.  Some pairings just won’t work.  A fruit bat, for example — your penis will probably not fit into a fruit bat’s vagina.  Granted, your first animal of choice might be a fruit bat, but it would literally be impossible to have sex with a fruit bat, so you should probably choose a different animal.

Once you’ve found your animal, have sex with it.  It is very similar to sex with a person, just with an animal.  If you’re unfamiliar with the act of sex, we recommend practicing on a person before moving on to an animal.  (Make sure to choose a consenting person, for reasons similar to why you should choose a consenting animal.)  Our bodies are designed to have sex with people, not animals, so it’s best to learn the basics before moving on to more interesting things to have sex with.  Animals have a lot of sex, so they’re not going to have sex with you again if you don’t know what you’re doing.

And have fun with it!  Animals don’t get to have sex with people very often, so chances are your animal will really want to go for it.  Make sure you’re not overstepping any of the animal’s boundaries, but don’t be afraid to try new things.  Remember:  it’s an animal.

Congratulations!  You’ve had sex with your first animal.  Now, keep going!  Animals love sex.  Any time you find an animal, it’s probably okay to have sex with it.

We hope this tutorial has been helpful.  Check back soon for our next article, “How to Have Sex With a Box of Money”.

27 March 2013 ·

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About Me

Hello. I am a stand-up comedian.

I enjoy the following:
· music
· being nice
· vehemently angry liberal politics
· cash money

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